Children's Books That Never Made It

1. Strangers Have the Best Candy
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers, and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
8. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
9. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
10. Pop! Goes the Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
11. Some Kittens Can Fly
12. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Whining, Kicking, and Crying to Get Your Way
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. The Man in the Moon is Actually Satan
18. Your Nightmares Are Real
19. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence

Education

These are real, unadulterated answers from British 16 year-olds, in their GCSE's (end of year exams...)

GEOGRAPHY
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends
to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in the fight.

SOCIOLOGY
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

BIOLOGY
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised, e.g.: abdomen?
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contain the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels; A, E, I, O and U.

Q: What is a Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term Caesarean Section.
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
 

ENGLISH
Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A: The hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
 

TECHNOLOGY
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.
 

RELIGIOUS EDUCATION
Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.
 

Science exams

THE FOLLOWING ARE ALL QUOTES FROM 11 YEAR OLDS' SCIENCE EXAMS:

"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
"When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire."
"H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."
"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold down a deacon over a flame in a test tube"
"When you smell an odourless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"
"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state"
"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars."
"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."
" The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader"
"Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."
"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."
"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
"The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, I, o and u."
"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
"Planet: A body of earth surrounded by sky."
"Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot."
"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."
"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
"For a nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops."
"For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make Artificial Perspiration."
"For Fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."
"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."
"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."
"To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."
"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat."
"To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow."
"The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."
"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."
"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."
"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars,and eight cuspidors."
"The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."
"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."
"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."
"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
"Liter: A nest of young puppies."
"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."
 

Perspectives on Love from Kids aged 5 to 10

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?
"Eighty-four! Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, andyou can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom." (Judy, 8)

"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife!" (Tom, 5)

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." (Mike, 10)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." (Jim, 10)

"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." (Kally, 9)

THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them!" (Lynette, 9)

"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." (Kenny, 7)

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE
"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." (Jan, 9)

"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." (Harlen, 8)

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE
"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." (Roger, 9)

"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." (Leo, 7)

ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE
"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne, 8)

"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Gary, 7)

"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." (Christine, 9)

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS
"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them." (Dave, 8)

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE
"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' is on television." (Anita, 6)

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." (Bobby, 8)

"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." (Regina, 10)

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER
"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." (Ava, 8)

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU
"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." (Del, 6)

"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." (Alonzo, 9)

"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me." (Bart, 9)

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?
"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love." (John, 9)

"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food." (Brad, 8)

"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are...on fire." (Christine, 9)

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU"
"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day." (Michelle, 9)

HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS
"You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you." (Doug, 7)

"It might help to watch soap operas all day." (Carin, 9)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you...That's why I stopped doing it." (Jean, 10)

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE
"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Tom, 7)

"Don't forget your wife's name...That will mess up the love." (Roger, 8)

"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash." (Randy, 8)

Hello From Minnesota
Submitted by Dan Gladen

1. I came, I thawed, I transferred.
2. Survive Minnesota - the rest of the world is easy.
3. If you love Minnesota, raise your right ski.
4. Minnesota - where visitors turn blue with envy.
5. Save a Minnesotan, eat a mosquito.
6. One day it's warm, the rest of the year it's cold.
7. Minnesota - home of blond hair and blue ears.
8. Minnesota - mosquito supplier to the free world.
9. Minnesota - come fall in love with a loon.
10. Land of many cultures - mostly throat.
11. Where the elite meet the sleet.
12. Minnesota: closed for glacial repairs.
13. Land of two seasons: Winter is coming. Winter is here.
14. Minnesota - glove it or leave it.
15. Minnesota: Have you jump-started your kid today?
17. Many are could and few are frozen.
18. Why Minnesota? To protect Canada from Iowa.
19. You are entering Minnesota - use alternate route.
20. Land of 10,000 Petersons, 20,000 Olsons and 50,000 Johnsons.
21. Land of the ski and home of the crazed.
22. 10,000 lakes and no sharks.
23. In Minnesota, ducks don't fly south people do
24. Jack Frost must like Minnesota He spends half of his life here!

A Peek Inside Martha Stewarts Calander
Submitted By Dan Gladen

Jan 1: Catch up on gardening. Sew leaves back onto trees. Do all cooking for 1999.
Jan 2: Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
Jan 3: Align carpets to adjust for curvature of earth.
Jan 4: Drain city reservoir refill with mulled cider, orange slices, and cinnamon sticks.
Jan 5: Lay Faberge egg.
Jan 6: Freshen air in home by sliding a dozen Dr. Scholl's shoe inserts into heat pump.
Jan 7: Visit crematorium. Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
Jan 8: Culture ancient DNA into dinosaurs for nieces and nephews.
Jan 9: Receive delivery of new phone books. (Old ones make ideal
personal address books simply cross out the names of all the people you do not know.)
Jan 10: Finish needlepoint colostomy cozy.
Jan 11: Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
Jan 12: Attend workshop on obsessive-compulsive disorders. Take verbatim notes.
Jan 13: Address sympathy cards for all friends with elderly relatives so that they're all ready to be mailed the moment death occurs.
Jan 14: Replace air in minivan tires with Glad air freshener in case tires are shot out at the mall.
Jan 15: MLK birthday. Find out who MLK is.
Jan 16: Get new eyeglasses: grind lenses myself.
Jan 17: Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o'-nine-tails. Flog gardener.
Jan 18: Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru with mocha trim.
Jan 19: Update enemies list. Place in hermetically sealed vault. Remove air, replace with nitrogen.
Jan 20: Gild lily.

Misc. Quotes
Submitted by Diane Styler

"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me."--Bobcat Goldthwait

"Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches."--Jim Carrey

"I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache."--Jack Mayberry

"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three."--Elayne Boosler

"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?"--John Mendoza

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."--Bob Ettinger

"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vaccuum cleaners."--Jeff Stilson

"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives." --Sue Murphy

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you."--Rita Mae Brown

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."--Jerry Seinfeld

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."--David Letterman

"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology."--Jay Leno

"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too. "--Jake Johansen

"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."--Lily Tomlin

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God ... I could be eating a slowlearner."--Lynda Montgomery

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."--Paul Rodriguez

"And always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said, 'A truck! "--Emo Phillips

THOUGHTS ON CATS

"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats." - Dave Platt
"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." - Anonymous
"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." - Anonymous
"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." - Jeff Valdez
"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats." - English proverb
"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat." - Ellen Perry Berkeley
"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God."
"One cat just leads to another." - Ernest Hemingway
"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later." - Mary Bly
"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia." - Joseph Wood Krutch
"People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life." - Faith Resnick
"There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats." - Anonymous
"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior." - Hippolyte Taine
"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats." - Albert Schweitzer
"The cat has too much spirit to have no heart." - Ernest Menaul
"Time spent with cats is never wasted." - Colette
"No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me." - Anonymous
"Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well." - Missy Dizick
"You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats." - Colonial American proverb
"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want." - Joseph Wood Krutch
"Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit." - John S. Nichols
"Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer." - Bruce Graham

Men are like a fine wine

Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes. It's a women's job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature. And hopefully they'll turn out to be something we would like to have dinner with.

The nerds

A nerd was walking on campus one day when his friend, another nerd, rode up on an incredible shiny new bicycle.
The first nerd was stunned and asked, "Where did you get such a nice bike?"
The second nerd replied, "Well, yesterday I was walking home minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want!'"
The second nerd nodded approvingly, "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Bring a Backpack

There were five people on board an airplane.... the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dali Lama, and a hippie.

Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment. "Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.

Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night. Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped.

The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Elightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane." The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, gentle soul man. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack."

The Blonde and the Cute Sheep

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days later, as she was out driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.

Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?" The shepherd, always the gentleman, said, "Sure!" The blonde thought for a moment and, for no discernible reason, said, "352."

This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed, and exclaimed, "You're right! OK, I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."

The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked the one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others. When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "OK, now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true haircolor, can I have my dog back?"
 

Revenge of the Blonde

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Okay says the lawyer, your turn.

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworker, to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500. The blonde says,"Thank you", and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

Differences between men and women

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose. If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in 20,even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, tooth paste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals..

OFFSPRING
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
 

Bad dinner conversation

One night, a husband and wife were having a conversation over dinner:
WOMAN: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN:(makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
MAN: shit.shit.shit.....